Wednesday, October 29, 2008

You are absolutely kidding me, right?

One of the funniest movies that won't ever be made would be a film of yourself in the future trying to parent your young children. Say at age 21 or so, you're hanging out with your buddies drinking beer and instead of hitting the bars that evening, you decide to order in and watch a glimpse of your life 10, 15 or 20 years into the future.

Some assumptions to watch the still will be alive (survived college) and you did decide to get married (maybe you know her/maybe you don't), and you promise to not only have a rug rat or two, but be a strong contributor to his/her upbringing. Fine, now please hit the "Play" button on the VCR (no DVD, for me this would have been in 1989).

OK, I watched my "Future Father of Little Kids" movie back in the day and my initial thought was that today's Reinvent Dad is C-R-A-Z-Y! Damon, you are absolutely kidding me, right? (I used more appropriate language for this discussion than I would have back in the 80's). First of all, why don't you have a job? (UMMM, I'm figuring that one out). Secondly, you married Amy - good job! (You saw the potential...yes indeedy and absolutely!). Thirdly, why are you writing a blog? (What the heck IS a Blog or the Internet for that matter?).

Regarding the kids? Four? Triplets? That older daughter is most certainly a bit quirky like her dad! Yes, for sure I know, I know. After the incredible unexplainable immediate shock wore off I fast forwarded to 2008 because THIS was the year I turned 40 (and of course I had to know who our '08 President would turn out to, SHHHH, I can't say a word. I neglected to mention that any use of my film for financial or political gain is strictly forbidden!).

OMGD (oh my gosh darn). Who are these wild kids? What am I doing? Do you remember seeing "Parenthood" and the scene where Steve Martin's neurotic character and his wife dig through the garbage out back of the pizza joint looking for his 9-year old son's retainers? I've had a few scenes just like this.

I actually bleached one of Alec's favorite toys (a plastic cookie monster play needle for his doctor's kit). Why? Well, one night he dropped it in the toilet, and of course flushed it. He was remorseful which was sweet and Amy said these things happen to us I dealt with it. I did try any and every possible way to "fish" the toy out short of TNT. But heck with the economy the way it is in 2008, at least I've made the plumbers happy (& Alec did get his toy back).

What else is crazy? Each night as a bedtime ritual, Julia gets her back scratched and Vivi gets her tummy tickled? Why? Who knows? Desperate times go for desperate measures. I just want to get them to sleep. Alec doesn't like to be touched, he prefers conversation and asks questions like "Daddy, where is China?" "Alec it's on the other side of the world". "Daddy?" "Yes, Alec?" "Is it in a hole? Can you dig your way there?" "No, Alec it's NOT possible - don't you remember the movie "Journey to the Center of the Earth?" "Yes Daddy." "Then obviously you know that it's too far to dig and there are weird plants and dinosaurs in the way!"

Other scenes from 2008 include turning the house upside down to find "Mr Mantis" who is Vivi's tiny little green plastic preying mantis that she sleeps with (I believe he's a character from Miss Spider) or Alec always asking me to draw a flower for him to color in. What about my occasional attempt to teach Brenna to ride a bike? Wouldn't you have thought in the 21st century someone would come up with driver's ed to teach kids how to ride their bikes?

As 4-year old Julia says after telling me earlier today that she has to throw-up..."JUST KIDDING"...not even Michael Moore with permission from God would dare broach such a subject let alone produce a movie capable of an immediate and drastic reduction of Earth's population.  OK, perhaps this wouldn't be too funny after all (unless you're watching your roommate's movie).  Maybe it's just better that young people continue to live for the now and just hit the bars on weekends.

No comments: