Thursday, April 30, 2009

I've been living a lie and it's time to come clean....and sometimes I am so clueless!

OK, I have no choice.   I must come clean.  There are witnesses, but I really didn't know for sure until yesterday.  I swear.   All the clues were present, but Sherlock Holmes  I am not.   Oh wait, I wasn't looking for any clues.  In fact, I hadn't a clue.  Now I do know, so I must provide full disclosure.

What the "h-e-l-l" am I talking about you say?  Is it possible that an at-home dad of forty-one can be so mental?  Why not?  Have you ever seen ABC's "Desperate Housewives?"  If you're a regular viewer I'll put this into terms you may understand.   Picture a dude that is 75% Lynette, 20% Susan, 2% Gabrielle, and 2%  Bree (the other 1% was Edie, but she's dead).   OK, enough screwing around, I'll come clean.....truthfully....I'm not six feet five inches tall.   I'm really a fraction over six feet four inches.  You're probably thinking "shut the effen heck-up you tall lanky bastard!"

Fair enough.  I'll take that and I suppose I deserve it, but the fact remains that I'm not as tall as I thought I was or said I was.  I had been living a lie.  I could blame R.E. Dad's Daughter for constantly measuring herself and asking me if I wanted to measure myself this time.  In the end, it's not her fault.  It's mine.  I should have double-checked many years ago.

I'm guessing, but I probably "reached" six feet five my senior year of high school.  My basketball  coach or possibly the people who put out the cracked media guide decided to give me a couple more inches to make our team seem taller and more intimidating.  Maybe the two parties conceived the idea to scare our opponents.  Who knows? Either way, "six feet five" ended up on my driver's license, and much worse...this was what I told all my friends, family and anyone who asked!!!!  What a crock!

The signs were there, but again I hadn't a clue 'cause my subconscious chose to ignore them. 
  • Friends, family and acquaintances seemed like they were taller.   I didn't have to tilt my neck down quite as much to carry on a conversation while standing.  Maybe I thought that I was just slouching more than before.
  • My jeans were dragging on the ground and I'd have to constantly pull them up...the bottom of my pant legs were frayed.
  • I didn't have to put the car seat all the back anymore.  In fact I found myself pulling it forward towards the steering wheel.
  • I couldn't do a reverse two-handed thunder dunk on the basketball court!  UH, actually I could never do that...that's D-wade.
So why the heck was I so darn clueless?  Perhaps I didn't want to believe it.  You say it doesn't matter, but to me it does...I'd been living a lie...WAIT!  Perhaps I have an explanation.  I had a discectomy in 1/2008.   Removal of my disc made me shorter...had to! 

OK, I feel better..please, forgive me time I renew my driver's license, I'll say that I AM six feet five, but ask that they include an asterisk addressing the obvious reduction to my stature.  I mean I'd feel terrible if my driver's license was intentionally inaccurate.  Really, who would lie on their driver's license??


msprimadonna67 said...

I know how you feel. My discectomy made me gain 15 pounds inexplicably. My driver's license used to be accurate...I swear!

Sprite's Keeper said...

This is the funniest thing I've read all day! And funnily enough, kind of what The Spin Cycle is attacking next week! Let me know if you want in!

A Free Man said...

Maybe you're just getting old and shrinking?


Hey, great advice yesterday. Thanks for that.

Jay said...

Wow, that must have been shocking news. Have you recovered? Are you putting lifts in your shoes?

blissfully caffeinated said...

My driver's license is a lie wrapped in an enigma. It was accurate for about two days in 2005.

shrink on the couch said...

I think I gained the inch you lost .. I was shocked to see I gained 1.5 inches after my pregnancies, or at least I assume that's when the magical growth occurred.

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